22nd

I called the past two weeks as the ’embracing sadness’ week as I lost my cat and things began to scramble in the way I’ve never expected before.  I came down with severe flu, cough, and respiratory problem. I have been developing skin rash spread around my legs and my back. I have no idea why I am this allergic. I was told by the doctors that my daily diet, weather, genetic, protein intake, even my choice of bath soap have contributed to this poor skin condition. I spent almost IDR 500K alone for the consultation and medication. So, be grateful guys if you don’t have a highly-sensitive skin like mine.

Anyway, for the ’embracing sadness’ theme, I finally got over my cat being lost. I am lucky that the only ones who saw (and probably are tired of seeing) me crying were my parents. I kept crying almost 3 days and it hurt my head and eyes. It’s quite silly that I could chin up when I got rejected three times last year on my scholarship without shedding tears but totally broken to pieces once my cat didn’t get back. Well, to think of it, I have never lost someone/something that is really precious before.

Time heals? Not really. Being busy does. Thus, I overcame that ‘excessive sorrow’ by being involved in my scholarship applications. Applying for scholarship and university has brought a special experience for me. Sometimes, things don’t go smoothly as you wish no matter how much effort you have done. But, I know every thing I invest on this process worth the attempt.

Actually, I was bit anxious about my admission as of four applications I have handed in, no institution has given a satisfactory reply. In one of admission process, I had to go to several banks to issue a money draft and unfortunately no banks in my city provided that service. I was quite frustated so I hit my mobile phone and directly chat the faculty officer. It was also my very first time to carry out an overseas payment using my debit card. Several days later, the table was turned. I couldn’t be happier that I got two good news in a row: being shortlisted for Australia Awards Scholarship (henceforth-AAS) Joint-Selection Test (academic interview and IELTS test) and got an offer letter to study in UniMelb.

AAS is one of the most generous scholarships I have been anticipating. Last year, I didn’t even make it to the interview cut; my application wasn’t successful in the first phase. Now, I feel the nerve. It’s even higher when I got to take LPDP substantive test. But, I want to repress my expectation and surpass my self-greed. The things that I learnt from my interview failure that I wasn’t myself and I was trying hard to impress. I was ‘overly’ prepared that it seemed as if I was having ‘memorized’ interview. When I was interviewed in this year PPAN, I’ve never felt that comfortable. I was clearly honest; I laughed if I had to, I smiled naturally when giving the answer, and I gave some even-I-didn’t-expect-myself-could-give-such-answer answers. It’s not that I didn’t give honest answers in my past interviews, but I presented myself as someone who couldn’t fit in naturally. I am afraid of making mistakes and I worry much about how the judges may think about me.

I wish I can mantain that ‘do your best, nothing to lose’ attitude.

Anyway, let’s hope for the best.

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