I’ve never expected that self-loathing is true. I used to believe “how can one hate oneself so much”. I have no idea that it will be this burdening. I’ve never thought of professional help because I thought it’s silly. But, maybe, in the future, when these anxiety and self-hatred kick in, I’ll seek for one.

One night, almost two weeks ago, when everyone enjoyed the party, I tried hard that I belong to the festivity. I was, unreasonably, insecure. I couldn’t talk to anyone. It was hard to fit in.

That was not the first time when I suffered from ‘not-able-to-communicate-with-the crowd’ situation. Trust me, it’s a real pain in the ass. People consider me as a distant person when I am actually struggling with what kind of topic I’d like to bring in a casual conversation with people I barely know. The worst is I feel I’ve been betrayed eventhough I am not. A lot of scenarios and speculations are played and extended aimlessly on my mind. I hate myself when I am being like that.

My closest circle told me, “it is okay if you can’t fit in, sometimes, you just can’t force yourself to belong to a social group”. Sometimes I second this opinion, sometimes I just can’t think straight.

So, what do I do? I call him telling my stories, rarely check my SNS, do some university admissions. I found out that one of the best things I can do to heal this unnecessary anxiety is being busy.

At least for now, I can calm myself. The only problem that I have is…

How long I can keep this composure.


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