Questions to ask myself

Yesterday, I met Kak Aam and Revy and had a nice chit-chat about scholarship hunting. It’s so nice having a circle that shares the same goal as yours. Kak Aam and I are pursuing our Master scholarships while Revi is pursing her undergraduate ones. Of course, we really wish to pull it off.

Now, a lot of questions embrace me.

Will I be ready?

Will I be ready to submit all the applicantions, prepare the appropriate answers regarding to my study plan?

Will I be ready if I fail? Will I raise from my failure if those undesired things take place?

Will I be ready if I get accepted? Will I get accustomed to the study culture, new living environment, and new people?

Will I contribute to my country development or is it just for my ego, prestige, and selfishness?

Have I made myself better to myself and other people?

So, I decide to put these things off.

So far, I’ve tried my best to practice my English profieciency. I am currently studying for my  TOEFL ITP test next week. I am practicing using TOEFL e-book. I really wish to purchase a hard-cover one, but saving is my priority. Actually, my parents don’t mind to spend their money for my scholarship necessity. But, I just feel guilty for spending theirs. I try to stand on my own two feet, slowly.

I’ve got a rough picture about where-to-go universities in my study plan. Sometimes, I just don’t feel confident about my ability. Sometimes, I don’t know where this over-confidence comes from. Then, I keep reading. I keep reading the post how people made it and keep being humble. I keep convincing myself how it’ll turn myself to a better person. I keep persuading my inferior self that I can give back to my university as I am planning to do so. I want to be a policy maker. I used to complain a lot when I was a student. Let’s see if this complaint can be solved with my later knowledge. I say myself to do so. Overconfidence won’t get me anywhere. Inferiority turns my wish into a pipe dream.

I have spent 7 days without checking my social media completely in my phone. It’s like doing my own ‘Zen’. Keeping myself away from social media makes me lighter. No burden, no gossiping stocks, no inferiority. However, I get a bit trouble by having my internet service off this week (since I also have no money, lol). It’s difficult to catch up my friends’ feed and chat but strangely, I don’t have this ‘FOMO’ (Fear of Missing Out) feeling or maybe I just don’t care.


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